Does he love me, I wanna know.

How can I tell if he loves me so?

Shoop Shoop Song (It’s in His Kiss) – Rudy Clark (Aretha, Cher, and many more)

Before I got married, I can tell you honestly, I went through a myriad of relationships. No joke, I’d been dating pretty steadily since the age of 16. Everyone who’s ever put themselves out there tends to be a victim, especially early on, to their own insecurities – causing all sorts of drama and misunderstanding as a result of said ‘issues’ – and clearly I was no exception. However, I have to say, I was pretty lucky for the most part. Because despite my ‘daddy’ issues and all the insecurities that come along with being overweight , or a child of divorce, or, hell, a female in a society that views Barbie as the epitome of the perfect woman, I did manage to date some pretty awesome guys, many of whom I still keep in touch with, two of whom I still count among my closest friends.

Eventually, I did meet a man who loved me for who I was, daddy issues, insecurities and all; who didn’t try to change me, but who managed to do so, for the better I might add, all the same. There was non of that jealousy or insanity or, well you know the usual drama, at least not between us. I never had to ask why he didn’t call, because, he did. I never had to wonder when he went out who he was meeting, because, for the first time in my life, I felt totally and completely secure in the knowledge, that this guy, crazy as it may sound, actually wanted ME. I’m not saying we never argued, but I never doubted how he felt about me.

After my husband’s death, realizing that as a widow at 36, there was a chance I might find someone else, and not having been out in the dating scene in six years, I was a bit wary of having to go back into the dating pool. I desperately didn’t want to repeat the mistakes I’d made in the past, fervently hoping that maybe I’d learned my lesson.

A friend of mine told me about the book He’s Just Not That Into You (written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo).  For shits and giggles, I bought it. I thought it was absolutely spot on. It’s actually pretty damned obvious stuff to anyone who’s actually stopped to think about it, which I had. And the truth is, it became my mantra.

Before I go any further, I feel  I need to address any men that might be reading this. I am not going to do any man bashing here.  I sincerely can’t say how, or why men act or react the way they do in any situation, because, well, I’m not a guy. While I do joke and say “boys are dumb and smelly” or “men suck” on a regular basis, the truth is, they aren’t (mostly) and they don’t.  Believe me I am well aware that women can be just as shitty sometimes.  The thing is, more often than not, it really is a matter of “he’s just not that into you.”  And as much as one might scratch their heads in wonder when a guy rejects a fabulous woman’s affections, you can’t fault him for not being into her. It happens.

I’m going to take a wild stab here and guess that there are many guys out there who have gone through as many crappy situations, who are just as insecure, and who have also felt the sting of rejection in a relationship as there are women. However, since I am female, I’m going to have to express my opinion from my point of view, as clearly I can’t relate to the men’s side of the story as well as the female side.

Now, as I’ve mentioned, He’s Just Not That Into You really is 100% common sense. I found myself, after reading the book, when comforting my friends, hearing the lame excuses guys made for why they didn’t do right by these wonderful women forever repeating: “He’s just not that into you. Move on. Don’t waste your time.” Or, as the book states “Don’t waste the pretty.” Truly, even as I started to go through my own  romantic trials and tribulations, I’d recognize that through the veneer of excuses, the guy just wasn’t that in to me. And honestly, I felt relieved not having to agonize over what amounted to the guy just not wanting to hurt my feelings outright.  I Got it. Message received. That mantra saved me many a heartbreak, and more often than not, a valuable friendship or two.

Of course, we women still like to believe, even if just a little, that there is that one guy who is the exception.  We all have our well intentioned friends who, when we get fed up with the lame excuses, lack of follow through, or just generally feeling as though we’re not getting the attention we deserve, will give us a plethora of excuses as to why or how the treatment we are getting can be justified.

And while there can be on rare occasions, legitimate excuses, the truth is, eventually, there comes that moment where it boils down to “put up or shut up.” I mean, judge as you might for yourself, but ultimately, if a guy really wants to show you he’s interested in you, there really should never be an excuse.

Neither is the guy an ‘asshole,’ ‘douche bag’ or ‘jackass’ for not being who you want him to be. The truth is, if you feel the guy isn’t treating you the way you want him to, then the problem is, more than likely you two weren’t meant to be together in the first place. Move on, and find a guy who you don’t have to nag into submission – Because honestly, if he were really that into you the nagging wouldn’t be necessary. That’s not to say that things will always go smoothly, or that there would never be any issues between you two, but you should never have to question his affection or desire to be with you.

As for the excuses, well, the guy who wrote the book states that guys are basically cowards. They (most of them) really DON’T want to hurt us ladies and will do or say anything if they think somehow it will spare our feelings.

And while they may not have the courage to actually say they aren’t “into you”, because well, it might be a bit harsh hear, the fact is, if a guy is not treating you as if he is into you, then he isn’t. End of story. No exceptions.

I mean we’ve all heard the excuses, right? See if any of these refresh your memory… Please feel free to let me know of the best ones you’ve heard, I’ll add them on.

  • I’m afraid of ruining the friendship.
  • I’m busy with work/school/family
  • It’s not you, it’s me
  • I’m not ready for a relationship
  • You’re too good for me
  • I’m not a good guy (seriously, one guy actually said, and I quote “I am the devil” – personally, I think he was too full himself. Actually, come to think of it, that dude really WAS just a douche bag. Not because he wasn’t into me, but because, in general, he was just a big ol’ lump of poop, but I digress)

Note to any man out there who may be reading this: CUT IT OUT!!

Women aren’t as fragile as you all seem to think. I know this might come as a shock. And I know you all are probably well intentioned, but most of us don’t need to hear the things you think we want to hear. Most of us really DO want the truth. A simple “hey, it was fun, but I’m just not that into you” while initially painful, would also serve to save us months of speculation as we dissect flowery words and promises as you try to convince us you’re not a jerk.

Thing is, by doing that, men become the very things they don’t want to be perceived as being. Seriously, I know many a well intentioned guy, good hearted, and sweet who in trying desperately to not hurt an equally sweet and good hearted woman who he just isn’t interested in romantically, turn into the most despised man alive simply by glossing over the truth in some effort not to appear to be an ass.

It’s honestly unfair to either person involved.

Granted, not everyone is going to live up to one another’s expectations all the time. There will be times when one of the parties in a relationship will be disappointed. However, if you’re not into a person, just let them know. It’s really so much easier. Think about it as ripping the band-aid off. It hurts a bit, but then it’s done, allowing you both to move on that much quicker to a situation where a band-aid won’t be necessary.

Personally, I think “He’s Just Not That Into You” should be required reading for any girl once she hits puberty.  Actually, I think guys should read it too.  Because while the book is geared towards women, there are a lot of truths in it that guys should hear too. Women make excuses too, never fret, we’re not any better than the guys sometimes… But, again, I digress…

I can tell you from experience, when a guy IS into you, you WILL know. You won’t have to ask. You won’t hear lame assed excuses and you certainly won’t be wasting your time waiting. He’ll figure out a way that will make you damned sure, no matter what else is going on in his life that he is, at least, thinking of you. It won’t be through flowery words or promises. His actions will be all you need to be certain. That old adage of ‘actions speak louder than words’ is really true.

So how can you tell if he loves you so??

Well, it’s not JUST in his kiss…