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Ladies: Check Yourself, Before you Wreck Yourself

Filed under: Life and Stuff — 4 Comments
August 5, 2010

They’ll hate you if you’re pretty

They’ll hate you if you’re not

They’ll hate you for what you lack, baby

They’ll hate you for what you’ve got

“Mean Girls” – Sugarland

“Bitches be CRAZY!”

How many times have we heard that expression?

I hate generalizations, but, some of the things I’ve witnessed, experienced or even done in my lifetime thus far, make me believe that that statement is, actually, at times, not totally untrue.

Growing up in Brooklyn, my neighborhood – or at least the five block radius in which my mother allowed me to roam- had a lot of boys, only two girls – Me, a total tomboy, and ‘Sara’, my polar opposite.  When I’d head outside to play with my friends, my mom would make sure I was dressed neatly in jeans and a clean tee shirt, my long hair plaited in braids. After an afternoon playing stickball, roller skating or bike riding, I’d come home with my hair a complete mess, my jeans filthy and more often than not, a skinned knee or elbow. Sara, on the other hand, would stand on the sidelines in her pretty, frilly dress, playing with her baby dolls and preening in the mirror.

There was one boy in the neighborhood we both had a crush on – ‘Scott.’ He was adorable. For the five years I lived in that neighborhood, he was my best friend in the world. Sara was non too happy about all the time we spent together, and started a rumor that I was a lesbian. Yep. At nine years old. Now, I may have been late to the party, but at nine, I had no clue what the hell a lesbian was! But Sara, who apparently watched way too many soap operas, (at NINE years old!!), started whispering to all the boys that during one of her slumber parties, I tried to kiss her or something. Here’s the funniest part – aside from the fact that I was so boy crazy my mother, to this day, likes to joke about how I “flirted with the doctor who delivered me,” she also NEVER let me stay overnight at slumber parties. I wasn’t allowed to go to any – EVER. And in so far as Sara’s parties, she figured, we lived across the street. When they were all getting ready to go to bed, I was to come home.

The boys on the block knew what was up. They didn’t believe little miss prissy (hey, that’s what THEY called her). She was eventually ostracized until she publicly apologized to me.  But even then, most of the boys stayed away from her. As for me? Not only did Scott start telling everyone that I was his girlfriend, I also learned a valuable lesson about how crazy some of the members of my sex can be when it comes to our male counterparts.

As I got older and started wearing makeup and doing my hair, and, well, giving a shit about my appearance, I still managed to maintain that ‘tomboy’ attitude. What you see really is what you get. I’m not good at playing coy. I detest playing games. I have a lot of male friends. And I’ve seen a lot of psychotic behavior that actually leads me to believe that their assessment of women being nuts is not completely off. Some, genuinely are, off the rails crazy.

Now, I’m not saying that I am immune to the ‘crazy’ gene. I know one ex who would definitely claim I had the psycho in me. Of course, this would be the same guy who cheated on me repeatedly. We’d break up, I’d take him back. Wash, rinse, repeat -four years of this – can you blame me for going nuts? Of course, the difference is, I didn’t go nuts on the women he cheated on me with – Most of the time I just went full psycho on his cheating ass. That said, I eventually realized that he wasn’t the one hurting me. I was, by letting him come back time after time. He’s out of my life now and the psycho hasn’t reared her ugly head in over ten years.

Now, I am well aware that most women who go all crazy, do so out of their own personal insecurities. The problem is, they refuse to realize, the issue doesn’t lie with the men in their lives (IE: if your guy is cheating on you, it’s not because you’re not good enough, or the other woman is prettier, it’s because you’re letting him cheat on you by staying with him. Get some self respect and get the fuck out of there – my lesson learned). Nor does it lie with all the other women on the planet.  The problem with these women is they refuse to deal with their insecurities and instead choose to lay the blame for their issues on external influences and people, rather than fix themselves.

Seriously? Is any guy REALLY worth losing your shit over? How little self respect and pride can one human being have? And  how far gone do you have to be to let your personal insecurities lead to crazy psychotic jealousy driven rampages that more often result in damage done not to the person you’re raging against, but rather, to yourself.

Perfect skin, perfect hair, perfumed hearts everywhere

Tell myself that inside she’s ugly

Maybe I’m just jealous, I can’t help but hate her

Secretly, I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

“Girl Next Door” – Saving Jane

I never fully understood jealousy.  I can envy another woman’s figure, hair, job (hey, who wouldn’t want to look like Angelina Jolie? Right?). But to be outright so damned jealous as to try to sabotage any aspect of that woman’s life? It makes no sense to me.  And really how does trying to hurt a woman you’re jealous of benefit you?  Has truly psychotic behavior ever really garnered any kind of positive results?

Recently, a friend of mine was involved with a woman – let’s call her ‘Betty’ – who clearly was insecure and immature, and, well, psychotic. I’m not sure how he remained blind to Betty’s psychosis for as long as he had, but I guess after she took his phone, sent a couple of vile texts to a female friend of his – we’ll call her ‘Veronica’ – who she felt ridiculously threatened by (even though she’d been told, apparently, that a) Veronica is married, and b) she is one of his dearest friends); erased all of Veronica’s texts as well as a few texts from a few other female friends; and then deleted all of Veronica’s information from his phone – one could only hope he got the hint.

Because apparently that wasn’t going far enough, this Betty chick decided it would be perfectly fine to badmouth Veronica to the guy’s co workers – who she, Betty, had only met a few nights before, but who Veronica had known for years – blowing up their phones with ridiculous text messages in an effort to discredit Veronica in the eyes of these folks. I’m pretty sure psycho Betty didn’t expect the guys to show Veronica the texts. Nor, I’m sure, did she expect these guys to laugh at the ridiculousness of her depictions of Veronica’s character.  If nothing else, a good laugh was had at Betty’s expense, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t her intention.

Truth is, I’d pity Betty, if I were a nicer person. Which, I’m not. Sorry. If she were trying to impress, she actually achieved the opposite. The only person I really feel bad for is the guy she was so desperately trying to hold on to by doing all this crap.

I think I’m jealous of your girlfriend

Although she’s just a girl that is your friend

I think I’m jealous of your girlfriend

She shares a special part of you

“Girlfriend” – Alicia Keys

I understand that it’s difficult for a woman dating a guy who has female friends who they are close with to realize that not every woman he knows is sleeping with him. The thing is, guys DO have female friends. Yes, it’s true, men and women CAN be friends. 

One of my best friends in the world was dating a woman who was convinced that he and I had slept together.

CONVINCED.

It never happened.

Her paranoid jealousy had gotten so bad, we rarely got to see one another. On the rare occasion he’d manage to get away from her, he would contact me,  secretly,  just to be able to speak with me – more often than not, to bitch about her.

One day, I noticed his screen name pop up on AIM. I decided to IM him, just to say ‘hello.’ The response I received was strange, it wasn’t just the “I miss you” that got me. It was the “I miss your body” thing that had me ask “Who is this?” The girl confessed it was her. She admitted that she wanted to know the truth once and for all “Did you two sleep together?” So I confessed, I said “yes.” She said “I KNEW IT!” I said “yeah, we fell asleep on the couch in the basement while watching a movie with his mom.” 

The day they broke up for good ranks as one of the happiest days of my life. Not even kidding. And the woman he ended up marrying – One of my favorite people ever.  

Back off baby, get out of my face

Please just give me some space

Well you never did nothing but leave a bad taste

And I’d only stand in your way

“Back off Baby” – Todd Carey

 My point is: Psycho never wins.

Guys fear, loathe and detest the psycho. They WILL run from it screaming.

Now, I’m not the most secure woman in the world. However, aside from the time I lost my shit because of a cheating boyfriend, I have never gone nuts to keep a guy around. It’s not in me to do so, which may be the reason why I can’t pity the women who are prone to these types of actions. Maybe I’m too simplistic in my belief that if a guy really loves you, or really wants to be with you, you don’t need to go all “single white female” to get him to stay with you. And if you feel he’s not all yours, then why the hell would you want to keep him around anyway?

Why are so many women so prone to propping up the men in their lives, effectively belittling themselves, so much so, that they are willing to make complete fools of themselves to keep these guys around? I don’t care who the guy is, or what his position in life is. I feel that if you’ve got to expend THAT much energy to keep a guy’s attention, or if you’re so insecure that you feel you need to screw with another person’s life in an attempt to either make your life seem better, or to some how get rid of what you perceive to be an obstacle to your relationship, a) the guy isn’t right for you, and b) you need to figure out your own shit before you attempt at being in a relationship.

So ladies – especially those of you desperately trying to hold on to a guy by any means (un)necessary – LET IT GO. If you find yourself plotting ways to get rid of any threat you perceive (whether it be real or the figment of your deranged mind), get counseling. Seriously. Not only do you make it really difficult for those of us who have some semblance of pride and self respect to defend the notion that not ALL ‘bitches be crazy,’ you also do yourself way more harm than good.

So please, for the love of all things holy, get a grip. You’re making us all look bad. And I’m sure I’m speaking on behalf of those of us who live in the real world and not on the set of “Days of our Lives” when I say we’re all tired of having to clean up the messes you all leave behind.

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The Single Life – It Could Be Worse

Filed under: Life and Stuff — 3 Comments
August 4, 2010

The world is full of people who are searching

And every heart is trying to find a home

Just like everything I think that I’m deserving

Of a love that takes away the word “alone.”

-Toby Lightman “Alone

 

“What the hell is wrong with men?” said a friend of mine over dinner during a girl’s night a few months ago.

This question was prompted by the fact that she realized that all of us, who are of varying ages, sizes and ethnicities, are ALL single, and have been for quite some time.

Looking back on that moment, I have to wonder, what indeed is wrong? Is it the men we choose to spend our time with, or is it us?

As women we tend to internalize everything. If a guy we’re interested in turns us down, we tend to agonize over what it was about us that turned him off. If a guy we find unattractive is interested in us, we wonder what made him think we were the one. It’s as if we’re forever playing the roll of Goldilocks in a never ending nightmare dating version of the Three Bears fairytale.

Growing up female, we’re often told that women have to look and act a certain way to attract any man.

I’ve found that to be inherently untrue. I’ve seen perfectly beautiful women, with stunning personalities and gorgeous figures cry their eyes out over some douche bag who doesn’t deserve her while some less attractive woman with the personality of a doorknob ends up with the object of the other woman’s obviously misdirected affections.

So it’s not always about looks. It’s not always about personality. And if I hear the term “things happen for a reason” one more time, I swear I’m going to pull my hair out (which would be sad, because I kind of like having hair on my head).

“All guys are douche bags.” This was said by not one, but two, of my male friends, during an outing a few weeks ago, after I explained to them my own lack of a romantic partner. “But then again, you women are crazy,” was added by one of them. After which we got into a debate over what exactly it is that attracts a man to a woman and visa versa.  A debate, mind you, neither one of us won because, well, relationships are minefields, and we’re all walking on tiptoes trying desperately not to get blown up.

I’m no expert in relationships. To be honest, I’m not even sure how the hell it was I ever got married (other than to explain that the man I married was just amazing, and perceptive, and got me.. but I digress). All I know is I look at the fabulous women in my life, all of them beautiful, and I can’t help but wonder why it is that at any given moment one, if not all, of us are telling the rest about some guy who we thought was worthy of our attention, who didn’t appreciate us.

I used to believe that maybe my lack of luck in love was because I was heavy, or maybe my personality was too outrageous, or maybe I just wasn’t pretty enough.  I mean I look at my girlfriends and they are fucking beautiful. The way I used to see it was:  If THEY’RE having dating issues, what the hell chance do I have at success? I’m not even exaggerating when I say the woman whose quote begins this blog, should be a model.  As a person? She is one of the most caring, intelligent, loving, fun and thoughtful individuals I know. And yet, she and I have had many conversations, late into the evening, bemoaning our single status and wondering what the hell it is about us that has kept us single for so long.

Recently, after a guy I’d been interested in let me know he’d never thought of me as anything more than a friend,  which of course led up to the inevitable feelings of rejection and such, not one, but two of my friends mentioned the fact that neither of them actually thought I really liked HIM, rather, maybe it was the idea of who he could be and the fact that maybe the attraction was more due to the fact that he was just there. Both friends thought I could do infinitely better, what’s even more interesting was a couple of HIS friends felt the same way.

One of my friends suggested I read, Be Honest–You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve (kind of a response to He’s Just Not That Into You).  While I haven’t read it yet, I get the idea… maybe my friends were right.

 Looking back, while the guy I was interested was certainly not a douche bag, it’s clear, based on the number of arenas where we weren’t compatible, that he really wasn’t for me. I was simply pining for the idea of being with someone who had way too many attributes I realized I’d have to ‘deal with’ should we have ever actually gotten together. Things I’m not sure, looking back, that I COULD have dealt with. Basically, while he’s a wonderful guy, he really wasn’t wrong to not want to be with me. I’m guessing he saw the differences I was willing to accept as things he couldn’t deal with.

The thing is, I’ve seen this situation way too many times to not wonder, how many heartaches can we all be spared if we didn’t decide, right away, that somehow, it’s okay for us to settle for someone who wasn’t completely right for us?  Don’t get me wrong, no one is perfect, least of all me. I am completely aware of all my imperfections, I’d even go so far as to say I am painfully aware of them.  But there have to be some deal breakers. I mean I’m not a demanding woman (although some say I could be a little more demanding, a little less accepting). I pretty much take folks at face value. But really, how much bullshit does one have to put up with to spare themselves from being alone?

One friend was dating a guy who would constantly do stupid things and then somehow try to make HIS actions, HER fault. And she stuck with him – For years.  One day, while listening to her try to explain to me how his blowing her off to go drinking with the guys was somehow HER fault, I asked her if she ever got tired of making excuses for the guy. I mean seriously, she’s intelligent, beautiful and successful and here she was, knee deep in Kleenex, with puffy eyes trying to excuse the inexcusable behavior of a self-centered asshole who was using his own insecurities about her success as a good enough reason to go to a strip club – Really? Eventually, she dumped his ass. And yes, she’s still single now, but when she looks back at the amount of crap she took from this guy, she’s mortified by the fact that she didn’t value herself enough to realize sooner that she could do so much better.

And it’s not just my female friends. My guy friends do the same thing. They stick with women who don’t value them any more than some of the guys my girl friends date. Besides the single guys who bemoan the women who can’t see them for the good guys they are (while ignoring the good women who DO see them for how awesome they are), I have watched my guy friends date (and in some cases marry) some of the most horrible examples of the feminine side of the human race I have ever seen (effectively making me understand why they think women are crazy). I asked one guy why he stuck with a woman who clearly wanted nothing more than to control him, and he said “she’s the best I can get.” I wanted to smack him. But then I realized, that as long as he felt that way, it was true. I believed he could do better for himself, but until he did, he’d continue to be miserable in a relationship with a woman who was clearly (at least to me and everyone around him) was wrong for him.

The problem with all of us, men and women alike, is that we’re too quick to settle, I think. I know I’ve been guilty of it, and I’ve seen my friends do the same. We’re all very good at propping one another up, telling each other, when faced with heartbreak, that we can do ‘better’. But until we really believe it, it won’t happen.

That said, I do believe it now. No more settling. I may be single, and it may suck, but if the only alternative is being with someone who doesn’t appreciate me or who I can’t fully appreciate myself, I’m better off.  In the words of Miss Amanda Jones from “Some Kind of Wonderful” (one of my favorite movies of all time by the way), “I would rather be alone for the right reason than with someone for the wrong ones.”

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Rendezvous with the Angels and how Tony Lucca Managed to Render me Speechless

Filed under: Music — Leave a comment
July 30, 2010

There are very few things that ever render me speechless. I guess if you know me, you know I’m almost never at a loss for words. EVER.

That said, it took me a a few weeks to figure out how to even begin to describe or even discuss Tony Lucca’s “Rendezvous with the Angels.” That, and I needed to find my old thesaurus to figure out exactly how many ways one can say “phenomenal”, without being too repetitive.

I’m a little too old to have ever watched the “Mickey Mouse Club” back in the 90’s (you know, the one with Justin Timberlake, Brittney Spears, Christina Aguilera, et al), I was too busy with college and loving all things grunge (oh yes,  I was SO in LOVE with Eddie Vedder back then.. wow),  so I had NO idea who Tony Lucca was when Rachel (yes, the music guru), dragged me to see him play (also on the bill that evening: Keaton Simons and Curtis Peoples).  I hadn’t as of yet taken any of her musical suggestions, so didn’t realize that when Rachel says “go see so and so” the correct response was to, well, go.

She decided that since she was planning on coming in to NYC to see the show again (she’d seen them the night before in Boston) she would  take the Staten Island Ferry to come visit me and MAKE SURE I was going to make it to the Bitter End that evening.

On the ferry ride in to Manhattan, she told me about Tony’s background on MMC, and I remember thinking “well, I hope the other two are worth it.” Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting. But when Tony took the stage, I was mesmerized by his voice, his lyrics (and the fact that he literally switched between Piano and guitar almost every other song).  Needless to say, by the end of his set, I had run to the merch table and bought his “Canyon Songs” and have been a fan since.

Because I literally never miss an opportunity to see Tony play, I’d already heard a few of the songs that were going to be on his recent offering “Rendezvous with the Angels.” Because it’s Tony Lucca, I knew the CD was going to be amazing.  What I didn’t expect was to be stunned silent by the sheer beauty of the entire collection. I REALLY didn’t expect, to put it in the words of one of my friends, to be “paralyzed” by a few of the songs. It’s really THAT good.

I’ve heard folks call Tony a “story teller.” I can find no better term to use myself. Tony’s lyrics do indeed take you on a journey. Whether it is one of loss and the longing to find the strength to move on after heartbreak in “Undertow”; The hopes and wishes and eternal love an expectant father has for his child in the beautiful “Always”; The desire to relive a lost love even if it’s just for one night “Stay with Me”; or the happy fluttery feeling at hearing from your long distance love in “Long Love Letter”; or, to the song that literally floored me, (and had me hit repeat a few times before I was ready to listen to the rest of the CD), “Song to a Martyr” (yeah, I relate to the theme… and yes, I guess I can say it’s my favorite track on a CD full of favorites).

Musically the CD takes you from the happy/poppy (I actually read one review that said it could be a toothpaste commercial?), “Make You Mine;” To the bluesy/gritty “Like Love”; to the heartbreakingly melodic “Nobody but You.”

In addition to the songs Tony penned himself, the CD includes a stunning cover of Billy Joel’s “Vienna” (PS:  my favorite Billy Joel song!) and a song Tony co-wrote with Melissa Polinar (I’m telling you folks you MUST check her out! http://www.myspace.com/melissapolinar), called “Back to Me,” which includes guest vocals by Sara Bareilles.

I can go on and on about how stunningly poignant and beautiful the CD is; How one minute you’ll be dancing around the living room, the next contemplating your broken heart.  But instead, I’ll leave you with a few video clips of some of the live performances of a few of the album’s songs.

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Sorry really DOES seem to be the hardest word – And sometimes, it’s not nearly enough.

Filed under: Life and Stuff — Leave a comment
July 29, 2010

I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you’re the heaviest weight
When you’re not here that’s hung
Around my head

-Dave Matthews Band “I’ll Back You Up”

Ever regret something so much you just wish it, and everything that led up to it never happened? Yeah, me too.

I know that old adage about all mistakes actually being lessons learned, and so you shouldn’t regret the mistakes, because you must’ve learned something from it. I guess for the most part, most of my mistakes have inevitably resulted in me becoming wiser; okay if not wiser, then, maybe a little more cautious?

But some mistakes are just mistakes. No rhyme or reason to them. They just suck. They leave you feeling horrible. They cost you more than you even thought you could lose.  And they leave a scar so deep you’re pretty sure it’ll never heal.

I’ve definitely made mistakes in my life. Looking back though, I realize that they’ve turned me into the person I am, and for the most part, I actually like myself.  But some mistakes make no sense to me at all. Impulsive stupidity, leading to normally avoidable situations, when your brain is screaming “what the HELL are you doing?” and yet you press on with no regard for the damage your actions cause. Those are the ones I find most difficult to forgive myself for, the ones I actually see no point in.  The people you hurt may forgive you, and sometimes the relationship you thought you screwed up may improve… or sometimes you can be forgiven, but lose a friendship that meant more to you than even you were aware of.

Guilt is a horrible feeling. Knowing that the only person you can blame for the pain you feel is yourself sucks. As human beings we are prone to making mistakes. More often than not, an apology and a promise to learn from the mistake is all that needs to be done to make it right. But sometimes, on very rare occasions, apologies are insufficient and nothing can be done to correct the situation. It happened. It’s done. And so you take the blame and all the guilt that goes along with it and try not to let it overcome you.

You go about your life. You enjoy moments with friends and family.  Days, weeks, years go by and you’re fine. But there are moments when you’re alone, and something triggers you to remember, and then whatever amount of time has passed disappears, and you’re there again, and that feeling of remorse overwhelms you and you start to wish you could take it all back. You forget that there were good times before you screwed up. You start to wish you’d never met the person you caused pain. You start to wish that none of it ever happened because that pain, however fleeting the feeling, is so real, and still so raw that you’re willing to forget everything that surrounded the event that caused it just to not feel it anymore.

But you can’t go back and change things. All you can do is hope that no matter the circumstance, you never, intentionally or not, do something that you can’t forgive yourself for. Because no matter how excusable the mistake, no matter the forgiveness of others you may have wronged, you have to look yourself in the mirror and face the consequences of your actions. You have to deal with the regret and the pain of whatever loss incurred due to your actions. It’s a crappy place to be.

Maybe that’s the lesson.

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“Franklin and Vermont” and my (almost) bipolar reaction to Ernie Halter’s latest CD

Filed under: Music — 2 Comments
July 12, 2010

So remember how I said I’d probably go on and on about Ernie Halter at some point? Can’t say I don’t keep my promises… Ernie’s got a new CD out, and I literally can’t stop listening to it.

Ernie’s latest offering “Franklin and Vermont” dropped a couple of weeks ago, and , of course, since I’ve been waiting for this CD pretty much since his last release “Starting Over,” (two years ago)  I went and got my copy right away. I’m not a reviewer. And I’m going to point out that biased as I may be, if the CD wasn’t good, I wouldn’t say a thing.

The thing is, this CD is more than just ‘good’, it is simply PHENOMENAL!

Every song on this CD had me simultaneously smiling, and I’ll admit, tearing up a bit, almost as if I were hearing these songs for the first time.  (And yes, I realize this makes me sound simultaneously bipolar and all fangirly, but you’re going to have to just deal with it).

Smiling, because, aside from being one of my absolute favorite musicians, he’s also one of my favorite people, and knowing even a little bit of where these songs come from, I can’t help but feel  a whole lot of joy mixed in with just a little bit of pride – you know, the kind of pride you feel when you see a friend do something they love, do it well and be successful at it. Tear up because, well, same as above. (Hey, I AM one of those girls who cries at the end of a chick flick, sue me!). Having been fan of Ernie’s music as long as I have been, it’s amazing to see how much he has grown, both as a song writer and as a recording artist. And, while I genuinely love Ernie’s previous offerings, this CD is by far his best one to date. There’s a joyous, almost euphoric feel to it, like you know, the guy who wrote and recorded this is just in a better place in his life than he was before. And again, this makes me ridiculously excited for him.

The first time I ever saw Ernie perform, I knew I’d be a lifelong fan. The thing about Ernie’s performances is that no matter who you are, or what you’ve been through, you can relate to whatever it is he’s singing up there on the stage.  What I love the most about this CD (and “Starting Over”) is Ernie has somehow managed to do something most artists, even some of my  other favorites rarely ever achieve, Ernie’s managed to capture that live vibe onto his recording. (I know there’s a process he uses, and it’s got to be mentioned in the reviews somewhere, but I am not a reviewer, nor do I read reviews or really know any of the technical jargon used in recording studios, I just know that I’m never fully satisfied with most studio albums, no matter who the artist, because most studio albums are so over processed that they tend to just leave me feeling like something is missing – not sure if that makes sense, but what I’m saying is I really wish more musical acts would utilize whatever process Ernie uses, because it really DOES make a difference.)

There are many standout songs on the CD, and while I’d love to name a favorite one, I simply can’t. The collection as a whole is simply stunning. However, the standouts (at least off the top of my head) are:

“Almost You” – I heard this one the first time I went to see him play a few years back – I loved it then, and was surprised it didn’t make it onto the last CD. Ernie’s tweaked it a bit since then and  the updated version is amazing. Glad he waited to record it!

“Angel” – This is one of those songs, that as a woman, you wish your guy felt that way about you.  Since many of Ernie’s fans have at one point or another heard the story behind the song and had the pleasure of meeting the lovely woman this song is about, you just want to thank whatever force it was that broke down Ernie’s car that day. (And if you DON’T know what I’m talking about, get yourself to an Ernie Halter show!)

“Gone” – The first time I heard this song, I cried.  The cello and sincere vocals on the CD version make this one of the most beautifully written and recorded songs about the difficulties of moving on after suffering the loss of someone you love I have ever heard.

“Yes I am” –  In addition to paying homage to Stevie Wonder, (LOVE me some Stevie!), this song’s message of “don’t mess with me” is one I’ve been feeling for weeks  now, so it’s been on constant repeat on my iPod ever since I got the free download of it off Amazon – (Yes, that IS me in my car belting it out like a crazy woman – what? ). It’s one of those songs, you KNOW you’re going to want to dance to when you see him perform it live (Hello, Hotel Carolina – Ernie with a full band – this song? Can’t wait!).

I’ve heard many artists say it’s flattering to have their songs held in such high regard that another artist would choose to cover them, but truly, Ernie is one of the few performers I’ve heard that can actually cover another person’s song and make it his own without ruining the integrity of the original. On “Franklin and Vermont,” Ernie covers the uber-talented Melissa Polinar’s “Meant to Be,” (seriously, if you haven’t checked her out, do so, immediately – wait, first finish reading this… then go check her out, I promise, you’ll thank me), Squeeze’s “Black Coffee in Bed,” (one of my favorite songs of all time – and I LOVE Ernie’s low-key version of it… Brings on a whole new meaning to the song for me), and Cold Play’s “In My Place.”   

The final song on the CD, “This Beautiful Ache,” which features Amy Kuney and another favorite of mine, Tony Lucca (whose latest release, “Rendezvous With The Angels,” comes out tomorrow – can we guess what CD I’ll be gushing about next??), is by far one of the most achingly beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. 

Ernie often thanks his fans for, essentially, giving him a job. Personally, I’m thankful to him for making music that I love. And again, I’m pretty sure I speak for anyone who’s ever seen him perform when I say, thanks Mrs. Halter for forcing those piano lessons on Ernesto Jr. , please continue to remind him that he (and all of us out here who love listening to him), owe you big time!

If my gushing on and on about these songs isn’t enough, check out these videos of Ernie performing some of them live:

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Losing my Religion and Why I’m Pretty Sure There’s a Special Place in Hell for Douchebags Like Pat Roberston and Jerry Falwell

Filed under: Life and Stuff, politics — 2 Comments
June 23, 2010

I think we’re all afraid,
That we might be alone,
Alone down here,
We all want to have some faith,
At least that’s true in my case,
To just believe..

-Tyrone Wells, “More”

I’ve never been a particularly religious person.

Please don’t take that statement to mean that I don’t believe that there is a God or some force out there greater than us, because I do. I just don’t believe that any man/woman or child on this planet has any right to tell me how to worship/pray to or honor this being or force.

I’m of a belief that one’s relationship to God or the Universe (or the Force) whatever it is you believe in,  is a very personal thing and having someone, anyone, try to force their way of belief on another person is actually against everything that a true God would wish for.

Religion: re.li.gion. (noun) people’s beliefs and opinions concerning the existence, nature, and worship of a deity  or   deities, and divine involvement in the universe and human life; an institutionalized or personal system of beliefs and practices relating to the divine; a set of strongly-held beliefs, values, and attitudes that somebody lives by; an object, practice, cause, or activity that somebody is completely devoted to or obsessed by.

(A friend of mine once told me she believed that my religion was music because that’s the only activity I seem to engross myself in, well, religiously. Of course this was right after she’d seen me at a Dave Matthews Band concert where they played six out of my top ten favorite songs, which is rare, so that may have been the reason I was having a major “hallelujah” moment, but I digress.)

I see these people on the street handing out pamphlets or bibles saying “you gotta let Jesus into your heart” or “God will save you” – the reality is they’re just trying to get more members for their church (more members = more money) – says so right there on the pamphlet.  Every morning when I used to take the ferry to work, there was a guy who would lecture to us passengers about how if we don’t let Jesus and God in to our lives, we’re going to all burn in hell – so we should all go on and follow his religion. My most memorable interaction with one of the “ferry preachers” happened one early morning in the ferry terminal. A woman came up to me, tapped my shoulder and asked “do you believe in Christ?” And I said “I’m Jewish.” She said “So was he.” And then begins to tell me about “Jews for Jesus.”  (This may sound ignorant of me, but,  wasn’t Christianity started by, well, Jews, for Jesus??) I begged her forgiveness as it was early and I was enjoying my first cup of coffee, and asked her to kindly leave me alone.

I am aware that religion plays a huge role in the lives of many people. And I would never judge their beliefs or the way in which they choose to practice these beliefs. It’s just never been the right path for me. Trust me, many a Rabbi has tried and then been frustrated with my incessant questioning of the rules and regulations they told me God wanted me to follow.

I guess that might be one of the biggest issues I have with religion. There are all these rules that seem to dictate how God wants us to pray, eat, sleep, dress, behave, raise our kids, treat our pets, rest, (how much money to donate to the religious institutions we belong to…) My question is, who made up these rules? The Rabbis? Priests? Bishops? Deacons? And if that’s the case, who made these  folks the experts?  (I know they all go to their own religion’s form of Seminary school – but where did the things they’re learning come from?). And who wrote the bible? And how do we know that ANYTHING in there is even true? Weren’t these tomes written years after the events happened? I mean I’ve read the Old Testament quite a few times (seriously, I even lived with a guy who was studying to be a Rabbi – exhausted the crap out of him with all my questions too) and while the stories seem like great cautionary tales, I just don’t know how much of it all I can believe.

Ever notice how many wars are started in the name of God? And please don’t get me started on the hypocrisy of so called “holy men.”

And then there’s the attitude that so many folks seem to have when it comes to God.

Folks like to blame God for just about everything wrong in their lives. Folks also tend to forget to thank God for the good.  We blame God for war, for strife, for hurricanes, the economy, death, cancer, heartbreak – you name it. But forget to thank him for any good fortune that comes our way.

(I mean seriously who were those repressed douche bags who said Katrina was God’s way of punishing New Orleans for being a sinful city? Really, what God would punish New Orleans for being sinful before giving Osama Bin Laden – and all his murderous followers – the massive coronary they all so deserve? They KILL innocent people – New Orleans is full of music, laughter, fun, good people, good food and yes, spirituality. Some of the most spiritual people I know come from New Orleans! I can’t for a second believe that God would flood a city full of happy people before getting rid of assholes who murder in his name. But the statements made by Robertson and Falwell about Katrina and about the Earthquakes in Haiti are a great example how some religious leaders like to twist their view of God and what God wants to serve their own personal agendas.)

Back when I was in Hebrew school (yeah, go ahead, laugh), I had a teacher who explained to us that God will only help those who help themselves.  And that, of all the many lessons she taught, is the one that’s pretty much stuck for me.

To me, God isn’t some mystical Santa Clause that’s going to answer prayers just because you want him to. Truly, the only time I’ve actually had any of my prayers answered was when I was 11 years old and the baby my mother had been carrying turned out to be a girl (yeah, I prayed EVERY night – partially because I KNEW my stepfather wanted a boy, but mostly because I wanted a little sister – and I got one – the best kind too – and I thank God and the Universe and anything else out there for her every day – but, again, I digress).

God’s not going to help you find a job unless you actually SEARCH for one. God’s not going to make you lose 50 lbs unless you go on a diet and get off the damned couch. God’s not going to bring you the man or woman of your dreams unless you put yourself out there. And there is no way that God’s going to let EVERYONE win the lottery either (“Why not?” You might ask – For the answer, please see “Bruce Almighty”).

A friend and I had this discussion recently, where she said she doesn’t understand why she’s still alone, and that God must want it that way. I don’t believe that’s true. And for the record, I know she doesn’t believe that either. I mean any God that would be that cruel wouldn’t be worth believing in. I know that God didn’t just arbitrarily decide to take my husband from me (although I DO think should I ever meet God in person he has a lot of ‘splainin’ to do), because why would he? She’s alone because she hasn’t found a man worthy of her. My husband died because he got Cancer. End of story.  And while I don’t blame God for my husband’s death, I do thank him for the friends and family and inner strength I’ve been blessed with that helped me get through it all.

The fact is, bad things happen to seemingly good people every day.  And in the end, does it matter if they went to  whatever religious institution and prayed once a week; Or if they ate the right things on the right days;  Or, if they wore a skirt that was of  certain length?  And, who’s to say which path anyone chooses to follow is, infact, the correct one? If there were just one true way to follow God, would there be so many varying opinions as to what that path should be? And would God permit so much evil to be done in his name because of all these varying opinions?

I am of the adage that ultimately, how we treat ourselves and one another is the ultimate way to truly worship whatever being it is that you are prone to worshipping. Isn’t that what the Ten Commandments are all about? If you want to summarize those ten little rules alone, all God (or whatever being you chose to believe in) wants is for folks to believe in him/her/it, be good to one another, and be good to ourselves. Go ahead, read them. The first two are about believing in God, the rest are all about being good to our parents, our fellow man and ourselves.

As for the bad things? Shit happens. Believe me, I know, I’ve had more shit happen to me in the past three years than I thought I could stand. And I know I’m not a bad person. I know it’s not God or the Universe having a field day at my expense  (although, right about now the only prayer I have is that no more bad shit happen – I need to recuperate a little – go pick on someone else – or take an Imodium – K? Thanks!) It’s just the way things have been. My job in all of this is to make the best of whatever situation I am in and move on, hopefully having learned something in the process that would make my life better in the future.

I’ve definitely, in the past few years, had time to ponder on a lot of the crappy things that have happened in my life and in the lives of people I care about. I’ve had my self-pitying moments where I wondered what I could have done to prevent things from happening the way they did and wondered if somehow or other I was being punished for some wrong I’d done, long forgotten by me. But then I’d be reminded of all the good things in my life, friends, family and my own personal strength to deal with all of it. And I guess, most recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only person I can look to to make things right for me, is me.

So, I think we should be grateful for the good things in our lives. And when things start to really suck? Well, in the words of the Beatles “take a sad song and make it better.” It’s on us. Instead of looking to the heavens and asking “Why are you doing this to me?!!!” look inward and just deal with what you have and become the person you want to be. The rest will work itself out somehow

Belief in God or some being greater than us isn’t a bad thing, but I think that not believing in ourselves and each other is the worst crime we can commit to whatever God we believe in and to each other.

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My music Guru – and why I have to thank Taylor Hicks (Don’t Judge!)

Filed under: Music — 4 Comments
June 18, 2010

I can honestly say that the majority of friends I’ve made in my life, I’ve become acquainted with through music. It’s strange , I know. My two best male friends? We became friends over a mutual love of Pink Floyd.  My oldest female friends? I met through our mutual admiration of a local band we all followed.  The folks I spend the majority of my time with these days? I met through musicians I currently follow.  The musicians I currently follow, I became aware of them through my musical guru, a phenomenal woman from Boston named Rachel, who I met –

Wait for it….

…On a Taylor Hicks fan site (don’t judge).

Back in the Spring of 2006, I was home, sick with pneumonia. While I had watched previous seasons of American Idol, I very rarely bothered until they’d hit the top 10 or less. This particular year, I hadn’t watched any of the season. I had no interest after Bo Bice had lost the previous year (what? I thought he was hot), effectively killing my 100% record of predicting the winner (yeah, I know, Carrie Underwood is very talented and totally deserved to win—but Bo Bice was HOT – and I loved his voice  – and his hair).

So, there I was, sick, in bed, flipping through the channels, pausing momentarily as Ryan Secrest begins to introduce some guy named Taylor Hicks, who was apparently going to sing “Something” by the Beatles. My initial reaction was to groan. As a Beatles fan, I’m very very  critical of anyone who tries to remake their songs (seriously, I love U2, but their version of “Helter Skelter”? not so much). “Something” is pretty much one of my absolute favorite songs (note to any man who ever wants to grab my attention, THIS song, DMB’s “Crush,” or “Pretty Girl” – David Ryan Harris or Ernie Halter version, is sure to make me melt… just sayin’).  

Now I’m with most folks who love music in believing that this show is pretty much nothing more than glorified Karaoke.

But then the guy started singing.

And he did a phenomenal job.  

See?

I immediately go on line to see if there were any sites where a video of this would eventually become available. I wanted to see it again… and again… and again.  I stumbled on an entire website devoted to Taylor Hicks, which apparently had videos and mp3 downloads of all of Taylor’s performances. Of course, in order to get these gems, one must register to join.

So I did.

 I figured I’d get the vids and/or mp3s and that would be that.  But then I started reading the threads…

 And I was intrigued.

I’ve never seen such blind devotion towards an as of yet (‘yet’ being back then), relatively unknown. Now, I love people watching, and studying human nature in general, so clearly, I decided to stick around.  Having never been a part of “fandom” I never truly realized how crazed some people can get. I’m not talking your average fan who will go to shows and buy CDs and try to meet the object of their devotion. I’m talking about people who devote a majority of time to that person in such a way that would make a more normal person fear for said person. But somewhere in that congregation of crazy, there were a few folks who seemed normal. And by normal, I mean they didn’t think that the goofy gray-haired guy shit flowers and farted bubbles or was their future husband because he shared the same birthday as their cat. (I shit you not – this is a true story)

Now despite the infatuated and the dillusional, some of the info on the site was useful. For example, I found out that Taylor had released two cd’s independently, prior to his appearance on American Idol. I took a listen and loved what I heard (seriously, listen to “Somehow” or “The Fall,” you’ll totally understand). The man was nothing if not talented. So I began to visit the site regularly and eventually wandered in to the chat room where within hours I met a few ladies who have become some of my closest friends in the world. 

After the Idol finale, where Taylor won (and my streak of being able to predict the winner was restored – seriously, I have predicted the winner each year since, at top 10 week… Now if only I could transfer this talent to the lottery, I’d be all set), I began meeting these ladies in person at events in which Taylor would be performing. Suffice it to say, I saw A LOT of Taylor Hicks over the next year or so. July 21, 2006 Rachel  came down from Boston, on a very soupy day, to see Taylor perform on GMA. The minute we met in person, there was a mutual recognition of kinship. It was like hitting the friend jackpot. I’m generally pretty skeptical when I first meet someone, but with Rachel, it was an instant friendship  – One that has continued way beyond Taylor Hicks.

Eventually I, and all of the friends (out of something like 4000 members, I’d say there were 10 of us that weren’t insane), left the site -screaming.. seriously.. the people in charge over there? Nuts. Not even kidding a little.. (one day, I WILL write blog about THAT experience and why I fear super fans so much – seriously, the cat thing, not even scratching the surface of the surface of the crazy).

The friends I made there, in addition to being some of the best friends I have ever had, friends who supported me and my husband when he was sick, helped me pick up the pieces when he passed away and who even now, as I go through yet another crappy time in my life, are there to hear me out and help me, have also become the ones I plan vacations with (most of my vacations are music related) and who have introduced me to some of the best music (and the best musicians) I have ever known.. which also, has brought a whole other new group of awesome people into my life (and given me a glimpse to other potential crazies out there).

Rachel had been telling me about this guy Ernie Halter for months. “Go see him, I SWEAR you’ll thank me. You’ll LOVE HIM.” Eventually, (January 2008),  I took her advice and went to see him at the Bitter End.  

She wasn’t kidding.

I continue to thank her to this day.

If YOU haven’t checked him out, you REALLY should… http://www.myspace.com/erniehalter … you WILL thank me (and Rachel, and his mom for forcing him to take piano lessons, and his label – Rock Ridge Music- for letting him record his stuff the way he feels right..and…), I promise. He is an amazing singer/songwriter, and beyond that he’s a fantastic person! But don’t take my word for it. Give him a listen, and then go see him perform. He’ll be on the road this summer with another amazing singer/songwriter named Tony Lucca http://www.myspace.com/tonylucca . Both of them are coming out with new CDs this summer… I can go on and on (and probably will in future posts), but right now? Just go check them out.

But by going to see Ernie Halter (and Tony Lucca, and Keaton Simons and Curtis Peoples and…) I also have met some phenomenal people who I see regularly, speak to almost daily and who genuinely make my life so much better than I ever thought possible in the aftermath of my husband’s death.  

And I can trace all of this goodness in my life to…

Yep, Taylor Hicks.

So thank you Taylor. Without you, I wouldn’t have met my musical guru; my iPod would probably not be nearly as filled with awesome music; and my life, as it is today, would definitely not be nearly as blessed.

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Chicks with Guitars (or Pianos) and why I hate “Single Ladies”

Filed under: Music — 1 Comment
June 14, 2010

Recently, while debating the state of music these days with my cousin, and how much I  seriously loathe, detest and okay HATE the song “Single Ladies,” and most of Beyonce’s music as a whole, my cousin snarked at me with “oh please, you just don’t like any female musicians.”

Not true.

First of all, you can’t call Beyonce a musician. I’m not even all that sure she can really sing (when I hear her sans auto-tone, I’ll believe it, until then, the jury’s still out). A musician is a person who can PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT – and I’m not talking being able to play ‘Chopsticks’ on the piano, okay?  (For example, Alycia Keys is a Musician. I appreciate her talent and her vocal skills, even if I don’t like her entire musical repertoire).

Granted, most of the women on the radio don’t suck. The problem is, well, they’re so busy pandering to the masses that they just don’t appeal to me. What can I say? I like my female musicians much the same way I like my male ones – sans extraneous crap. Basically, if they can’t do it without auto-tune, if they can’t sing/perform live without a back up tape (and back up dancers), they’re not for me.

The other night I went to see two of my favorite female singer/songwriters, Aslyn and Toby Lightman, who in a stroke of brilliance, are touring together.

I first heard of Toby Lightman when she was on tour with Taylor Hicks (don’t judge – listen to his pre-American Idol music, or better yet, go see him live, then we can talk).  I immediately bought both of her CDs and have been a fan ever since.  I was introduced to Aslyn’s music on The Rock Boat. (There is no real way to explain The Rock Boat. Simply calling it a music festival on a Carnival Cruise is not even scratching the surface but, it’ll have to do for now). Again, I loved her songs, related to some of them all too well, and of course bought her CDs immediately.

What sets these two apart, from say, Taylor Swift (who’s song writing I genuinely admire, but who’s live performances just don’t cut it for me), or Lady Gaga, or Beyonce, or well, just about any female you’ll see on an awards show these days, is , in my opinion, they are the real deal.  When it comes to music, at least for me, it’s about sincerity, it’s about the live performance, it’s about being relatable.  I know it’s different for everyone, but really,  if you a) can’t sing in tune live, b) need to shock people in to giving you recognition (so much so that your ‘shock value’ overshadows your actual talent- Lady Gaga? Very VERY talented, but who the fuck could tell under all that schtick?) or c) need auto-tune, and super vocal enhancement during your live performances, you’re really not impressing me.  Which really won’t matter to any of the ladies I’m referring to because they’re billionaire superstars by now, so what does it matter what I think, right?

It’s just sad to me that female singer/songwriters, more so than their male counterparts need to up the ante somehow just to get ahead or to make it big at all. Seriously, how many truly talented women are out there singing their hearts out and still struggling to be noticed just because they refuse to get up on a stage and shake their asses like some overpriced pole dancer while lipsynching songs about some dude who lost his chance because he didn’t ‘put a ring’ on it? (okay, so in a nut shell – Guys, if you feel you need to ‘put a ring on it’ so she won’t go off with some other dude, then you’re fooling yourself. Ladies, if you NEED a ring from the guy as a sign that he loves you then you’re not looking for love, you’re looking for a ring. You love a guy? You’ll wait.  He loves you? You’ll get the ring without having to threaten him with losing you. Seriously, as a woman, this is the DUMBEST most insipid and INSULTING song I’ve ever heard).

So back to Aslyn and Toby Lightman –   Both of these women are super talented. Their songs are relatable, and beautiful and their voices are spectacular. When you see them live, it’s them, not some fucking circus made to sell to the masses who need the flashing lights and half-naked dancing men  and women because their ADD-ridled brains can’t muster the necessary focus one would need to appreciate real music (or real lyrics, you know, the kind that don’t make all single women seem desperate for a leash.. umm.. ring).  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a little flash is okay, especially when you have the talent to back it up (Pink, I love) – but when flash becomes a necessity just to get attention? In the words of my first major live performance disappointment, ‘that don’t impress me much.’

This? Yeah.. Impresses me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME:

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A Plethora of Crazy: My (Mis)Adventures in Internet Dating

Filed under: Life and Stuff — 6 Comments
June 10, 2010

I’ve been roaming around, always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can’t reach
You know that I could use somebody

 -Kings of Leon

My sister, (you’ll probably see her referenced here often), part bullied, part cajoled, part dared me to join an internet dating service where many of her friends found the loves of their lives, got married and are currently living happily ever.

Now, before I go in to why I only used up three weeks of my one month ($40!!) membership, I figured I should give you a little background just in case you stumbled on this blog and don’t know my history.

I was once married.

Two years ago, my husband passed away after an eighteen month battle with cancer. It’s a story for another time, but suffice it to say, the past two years have been all about me trying to get my life back together and back on track. I’m guessing this blog maybe a part of the process. Who knows?

So it’s been two years and I haven’t dated anyone. I’m not sure if that’s by choice or by design, but the fact is, I’m ready. It’s time.

After a long heart to heart with a musician friend of mine, about how there was no way I was going to find anyone decent by doing the one thing I love most, going to their shows (actually, I believe his exact words were “Look it’s mostly women at our shows, and the guys with them are usually their boyfriends… Dude, it’s not like you’re going to find the man of your dreams on the fucking Rock Boat, ya know?”), I decide to take my sister’s dare.

I join this magical matchmaking site that my sister has been yammering on about for a year. I answer a bunch of inane questions that are supposed to attract that ‘perfect’ match. How they figure out if you’re a perfect match from such probing questions like “what’s your favorite color?” baffles me, but okay.

Here’s the thing. When I was younger, I was less picky. These days, I’m a bit more discerning. However, I’m not particularly shallow. For me, more often, brains, ability to make conversation and more importantly the ability to make me laugh tend to trump physical appearance. I mean I do have SOME qualities that are a must, (for example: taller than me please, which given that I am 5’4” and rarely wear anything higher than a 3″ heel shouldn’t be difficult, but you’d be surprised).  I mean I guess growing up I had some kind of image of what my dream man would look like or some such nonsense, but I’m going to have to say that what usually attracts me physically, does not necessarily attract me once I’ve actually had a conversation with a guy.

Anyone who knows my ‘type’ (you know, you walk into a bar, there HE is.. OMG.. he’s HOT!!.. yadda yadda), knows that I’ve rarely actually dated my ‘type’. Hell, I didn’t even marry my ‘type’.  My husband was way better looking than my ‘type.’ I kid you not. I can honestly say that in my 38 years of life thus far, I’ve only ever actually met one man who I found attractive at first glance and still actually found attractive after our first conversation. And as it turns out, he just likes me as a friend. Apparently, I’m not HIS type. Go figure.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’m realistic. I know that first impressions aren’t all they’re cracked up to be so I wasn’t going to just write off a guy who tried to talk to me on the site because his picture didn’t resemble Sawyer or Sayid from “Lost.”

But I wasn’t expecting the plethora of crazy that I ended up encountering. Seriously.

First of all, I’m 38 years old. That’s my chronological age. Anyone who knows me, knows that I neither act it, nor do I look it. I’m very young at heart (basically, while I have the knowledge and maturity of a person my age, it may not always be evident in my attitude. I sincerely hope that makes sense).  I also managed to inherit amazing genes from my mom and grandmother (at my sweet 16 folks thought my mom was my sister and my grandmother was our mother…).  So basically for age requirement I figured 35-42 was a good age range for whatever guy I’d consider dating.

The first few ‘flirts’ I received, but didn’t respond to, were from guys who claimed to be 45-48 (oh yeah, I prefer literate men… clearly these guys couldn’t read). They made the mistake of posting their pictures which either revealed they’d had some pretty rough lives, or they hadn’t been in their 40’s since I’d been in my 20’s –early 20’s.

But eventually, there was that one that seemed, well, if I’m being honest, too good to be true… so of course, I decided, to go for it…

 Mismatch #1

It ain’t me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe,
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe.

 -Bob Dylan

First actual contact I made was with this guy who decided to contact me using the IM system on the sight.  I looked at his profile. He was 35, good looking, good job, emphasized his love of music and dancing. I responded.  He was funny, intelligent, had an awesome, dry sense of humor.  I agreed to meet up with him.

In person, he was even better looking than in his pictures. We had an amazing time, just chatting and realizing we had a lot in common. There were a few people at the bar, and one other guy decided to join us for a bit. He was really good looking too and he and internet service guy seemed to get along really well, while both simultaneously flirting with me. Holy ego boost, I though. Seriously!

Towards the end of the evening, he said:“You know, you’re really awesome, I had such a great time, I’d really like to take you out sometime.”

Before I could respond with the “absolutely” that was about to come out of my mouth, he added: “But I do need to ask you a question first, how would you feel about dating a guy who was bi-sexual?” Without pause, he added: “See, I really like women, and I don’t fool around, but I also like to play with men once in a while.”

My internal monologue went something like this: “While I often find men with beards attractive, I’d prefer not to actually BE the beard.”

My actual response was something along the lines of:  “The way you just phrased that question, makes me believe that you might be interested in dating me but would want permission to see other people, specifically, guys, when the desire hits you.  And while I DO think you’re a fantastic guy, I really don’t like to share. Even if I’m the only woman you’d be dating, messing around with a guy once in a while would still be cheating.”

He didn’t deny that that was what he’d been implying. So that was that. Internet Dating site match up #1—FAIL. I wished him the best (and secretly hoped he’d hook up with that guy that had been talking to us both earlier on) and left.

 Mismatch #2

 I don’t want no scrub
A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me
Hangin’ out the passenger side, of his best friend’s ride
Tryin’ to holler at me

 -TLC

I really promised my sister I’d give this thing a shot. So instead of following my instincts and deleting my profile after that one, I stayed on.  When this 48 year old guy, who seemed interesting enough based on his profile e-mailed me, I e-mailed him back.  We exchanged two more e-mails before he sent me his phone number. I decided that he should call me. Not because I’m the girl, but because if I think he’s a psycho or a jerk or some combo of both, I could just block his number on my phone (I love technology).

 Phone rings, I pick up:

 Me: “Hello”

 #2: “You know if you and I are going to be together, you’re going to have to quit smoking.” (I was very honest in my profile—go figure).

Now, I get that wanting someone to quit smoking is a GOOD thing, but he could have said “you should wear a pink dress on our first date” and I still wouldn’t have been happy.  I mean come on. The guy doesn’t know me, hasn’t said two words to me yet and he’s already a) assuming I’m going to ‘be’ with him, and b) making demands -Strike one.

We continue the ‘getting to know you’ conversation. He tells me that he’s been unemployed for two years and is currently living with his parents. I ask him what kind of job search has he been making, I mean I know it’s a recession and it’s tough out there, so I didn’t want to seem like a complete bitch. Basically, he’d been looking in his chosen field (which for the life of me I can’t remember), but that he’s been offered jobs that were, to paraphrase, ‘beneath’ him. He goes on to explain that he was married and he and his wife essentially got divorced because of financial issues.  But that he really wants to have kids- Like yesterday.

My internal monologue was spitting out rapid retorts to this statement, and yet, I managed to be way nicer than any of the “Are you fucking kidding me, babies? Really? How about getting a job first?” responses that were flooding my brain. I instead said, very calmly: “Kids? Really? How are you planning on paying for them? I mean raising them costs money.”

#2 (I shit you not this was his response – and he was DEAD SERIOUS): “Well, you have a city job, I mean, that’s about as stable as you get, right? (wrong) If we were together…”

I cut him off with: “Wow, no offense (not that I cared if he took any at this point ), but one of my major requirements is that the guy I’m with has a job, or at least some form of ambition that goes beyond having babies. I mean dreams are really nice, but if you were really serious about having a family, you’d take any job you were offered for the time being until something that interests you more came along.” –Strike two.

His response (again, no doo-doo):  “Well, just so you know, I’m amazing in bed, and if nothing else I could take you places sexually you have never been before.”

I almost choked on my latte (and FYI, that really was the death knell for him in my book. ANY guy who has to brag about how ‘good’ he is in bed, is really NOT good at all—for those of you who didn’t know that already… trust me. It’s true).

Before I could recover he goes on to tell me that he noticed that on my profile I state my political beliefs as being “liberal.” I said, “yes, I am.”

His response: “Oh so you voted for Obama, huh?”

Me: “yes, I did.”

He said: “oh so you’re okay with the United states turning in to a Socialist country” and then begins to, again, I shit you not, word for word, regurgitate every Fox News talking point ever made against the current administration.

I mean anyone who knows me, knows, I’ll listen to an opinion whether I agree or not. I’ll debate, intelligently, with anyone with an opposing view – not in an effort to make them agree with me, but to at least let them see why I believe what I believe. But this guy? Holy friggen Glen Beck meets Rush Limbaugh at a pep rally for Sarah Palin! – Yeah- Strike three.

I tell him I’ve got to go finish cleaning my apartment. He said he’d like to meet me in person, that, he decided I was “worth the $11 toll on the Verrazano.” I told him to keep the cash.  I didn’t think we’d work out. As he was giving me his spiel about how I shouldn’t write him off, that it’s at least worth a meet up, and then again starts rambling about his prowess in bed and how he could help me with my oral fixation… I hung up.

No shit, he e-mailed me five days later asking me if I was free for lunch. I said ‘no.’ I think/hope he might have gotten the message? In any case, his number is blocked on my phone.

 Mismatch #3

 Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I want to be the one to walk in the sun
Oh girls they want to have fun

 -Cyndi Lauper (although really, I’m in love with the Greg Laswell version)

At this point, you might be wondering why I didn’t just take my profile off the site and go running for the hills, but a) I really wanted to make sure I could say I tried, and b) I like baseball – I figured the site had one more chance at bat.

 Enter bachelor #3. This guy was really one of those “looks good on paper” deals. I mean he was 43; owned his own business; he was definitely close enough to my ‘type’ physically to pique my interest – at least enough for me to give him my e-mail address.

 We e-mailed for about a week.  The first few exchanges were friendly enough. Just your basic facts – you know – what we like to do in our spare time; what we do for a living; family dynamics; past dating experiences; people and places that are important to us and why – stuff like that.

At the beginning of week two of e-mail exchanges, I receive this from him: “My girlfriend, who I was going to marry, (oh English is NOT his first language – but what woman doesn’t love an accent, right?), she cheat on me with friend of mine. Now I just want to find the love of my life, get married, have childrens. I want to find best friend who will want to be with me always”.

Okay… so I try to explain to him that falling in love takes time. That anything THAT instant isn’t really love – I mean how soon did he think he’d go from talking to someone via e-mail to that ultimate dream of his?

#3:  “I don’t know how long it takes, but I’m anxious to meet the love of my life. And I really think you sound like possible. But I have a few questions.”  And then he writes: “you told me two of your closest friends are men you’ve known your whole life and one of them is your ex-boyfriend who was your first love… do you ever see them?”

Me: “Well, one is married and lives in Israel. The guy who was my first love is divorced and lives in New Orleans. Why?”

#3: “Because first love and you’re both single, maybe not so good for me. But the guy who’s married and in Israel, that’s okay.” And then, as if this were remotely normal, continued with:  “I notice you say you like music and have friends who play music – are they men or women? If it’s women singers, that’s good.  I guess I can go with you when you go see your male friends play their music. I don’t want to have to worry. Musicians are sneaky. Even if you don’t want to cheat – they can make you.”

Strike three.

After laughing for a solid five minutes at his description of musicians, I composed myself and responded with:

“Look the guy in New Orleans and I broke up 20 years ago. If we wanted to be together, we would be. My husband liked him very much and never felt threatened by our past because he was secure enough in our relationship to know that fact. This guy knows me better than any non-related human being on this planet, and there is no way I’d give up a friendship I’ve had for most of my life for a guy I just met on the internet.  And while I’m glad that you’re okay with me being friends with a guy who’s been like a brother to me since I was 15 because he lives in another country, I really wouldn’t need or want permission from you to continue that friendship either. As for the musicians I am friends with, you don’t know them. Don’t make assumptions based on stereotypes.  And I wouldn’t want you there with me if all you’d do is act like a watch dog trying to mark his territory.”

Two days later I get an e-mail from him:

“I removed my profile from the site, because I want to focus on you and see how things going to be. You can email me on here and let continue to know each other better.”

I responded – a week later with:

“I removed my profile from the site too. After our exchange, I realized that the person I’m looking for does not exist there.  I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m afraid, however, that it isn’t me- Best of luck.”

Yeah, I think my sister owes me $40. Just sayin’. ;P

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Bitch – An Introduction to Me

Filed under: Life and Stuff — 4 Comments
June 8, 2010

Just when you think, you’ve got me figured out

The season’s already changing

I think it’s cool,

You do what you do

And don’t try to save me.

– Meredith Brooks “Bitch”

 

I guess you can say that when you reconnect with an ex-boyfriend, your first love, actually, after not having much contact with him over eight years, the last thing you expect him to say is: “You know I heard this song a couple of days ago, and it reminded me of you.”

It was 1998.  The song was Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch.”  Yes, that conversation really happened.  And yes, it was meant as a compliment – or at least I’d like to think it was.

In any case, the truth is, if being strong, independent and outspoken constitutes a bitch these days, then yeah, that’s me.

I’m also all the contradictions.  I hurt easily but can forgive what some folks might consider unforgivable. I can outwardly seem as though nothing bothers me, while simultaneously be super sensitive. I may appear completely comfortable in any situation, while my internal monologue is a litany of me letting my insecurities get the better of me. Ultimately though, I’m super friendly, ridiculously outspoken and outgoing and have a loyalty to my friends that can’t be disputed. Basically, I am pretty much an average woman with one really huge love in my life…

Music.

I have an almost unnatural attachment/attraction/addiction to music. I’m pretty sure this love was fostered by my uncles who had the awesome task of babysitting me when they were still teenagers living with my grandmother.  Thanks to them, I could honestly say I might have been the only six year old to know every word to every Beatles song before I even knew who they were (or that they weren’t even a band anymore).  Oh and I know that my teachers at the Yeshiva I went to REALLY loved my rendition of “Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2” (you know “We Don’t Need No Education”) in the second grade. I guess what I’m saying is that I can blame/thank my uncles for my love/appreciation of music.  

Now while I can honestly say I love music, I am not a musician. Despite piano lessons as a child and a few guitar lessons as an adult, I play no instruments. I will readily admit to being able to sing (well, in tune.. an my voice doesn’t suck), but the aforementioned insecurities lead me to not being able to do so publicly without copious amounts of alcohol ingested, and then, well, really, have you ever heard a drunk person sing?

To that end, I tend to be particularly in awe of anyone that can go up on a stage and perform songs, which you have to know come from either their own personal experiences or from the experiences of those close to them, night after night, often to a crowd where many people are either drunk and stupid, or just won’t shut up. Oh yeah, a  HUGE pet peeve of mine – people who won’t shut up at musical venues. I may be a pacifist, but I often have a mental image of me doing something violent to shut their mouths.

(Seriously lady standing next to me at Sullivan Hall while Matt Lowell was on stage singing a song about a break up – I don’t care if your booty call for the night texted you back. I REALLY don’t care that he’s not all that great in bed. I am completely not surprised at all that you couldn’t get anyone except Mr. Pencil dick to text you back. Now can you shut up so I can hear the man with the guitar singing? Cause that’s what I paid for. K’ Thanks… )

A well written song can set a mood, cheer me up, bring me back to reality, get me through a rough time or bring back memories, fun times and some not so fun times.  Music has always played such a huge part in my life and yes, I am THAT person that pretty much says “I LOVE that song” probably way too often, but the truth is, I mean it every time I say it.

My sister, cousin and a few friends all suggested I should start a blog combining my love of telling stories, many of them funny, some maybe not, about situations in my life past or present with the music I love. The stories will be true. The names may be changed to protect the guilty or innocent (or me, from a lawsuit).

So here it is. 

My life.

Out there.

Scary.

Enjoy.

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