They’ll hate you if you’re pretty

They’ll hate you if you’re not

They’ll hate you for what you lack, baby

They’ll hate you for what you’ve got

“Mean Girls” – Sugarland

“Bitches be CRAZY!”

How many times have we heard that expression?

I hate generalizations, but, some of the things I’ve witnessed, experienced or even done in my lifetime thus far, make me believe that that statement is, actually, at times, not totally untrue.

Growing up in Brooklyn, my neighborhood – or at least the five block radius in which my mother allowed me to roam- had a lot of boys, only two girls – Me, a total tomboy, and ‘Sara’, my polar opposite.  When I’d head outside to play with my friends, my mom would make sure I was dressed neatly in jeans and a clean tee shirt, my long hair plaited in braids. After an afternoon playing stickball, roller skating or bike riding, I’d come home with my hair a complete mess, my jeans filthy and more often than not, a skinned knee or elbow. Sara, on the other hand, would stand on the sidelines in her pretty, frilly dress, playing with her baby dolls and preening in the mirror.

There was one boy in the neighborhood we both had a crush on – ‘Scott.’ He was adorable. For the five years I lived in that neighborhood, he was my best friend in the world. Sara was non too happy about all the time we spent together, and started a rumor that I was a lesbian. Yep. At nine years old. Now, I may have been late to the party, but at nine, I had no clue what the hell a lesbian was! But Sara, who apparently watched way too many soap operas, (at NINE years old!!), started whispering to all the boys that during one of her slumber parties, I tried to kiss her or something. Here’s the funniest part – aside from the fact that I was so boy crazy my mother, to this day, likes to joke about how I “flirted with the doctor who delivered me,” she also NEVER let me stay overnight at slumber parties. I wasn’t allowed to go to any – EVER. And in so far as Sara’s parties, she figured, we lived across the street. When they were all getting ready to go to bed, I was to come home.

The boys on the block knew what was up. They didn’t believe little miss prissy (hey, that’s what THEY called her). She was eventually ostracized until she publicly apologized to me.  But even then, most of the boys stayed away from her. As for me? Not only did Scott start telling everyone that I was his girlfriend, I also learned a valuable lesson about how crazy some of the members of my sex can be when it comes to our male counterparts.

As I got older and started wearing makeup and doing my hair, and, well, giving a shit about my appearance, I still managed to maintain that ‘tomboy’ attitude. What you see really is what you get. I’m not good at playing coy. I detest playing games. I have a lot of male friends. And I’ve seen a lot of psychotic behavior that actually leads me to believe that their assessment of women being nuts is not completely off. Some, genuinely are, off the rails crazy.

Now, I’m not saying that I am immune to the ‘crazy’ gene. I know one ex who would definitely claim I had the psycho in me. Of course, this would be the same guy who cheated on me repeatedly. We’d break up, I’d take him back. Wash, rinse, repeat -four years of this – can you blame me for going nuts? Of course, the difference is, I didn’t go nuts on the women he cheated on me with – Most of the time I just went full psycho on his cheating ass. That said, I eventually realized that he wasn’t the one hurting me. I was, by letting him come back time after time. He’s out of my life now and the psycho hasn’t reared her ugly head in over ten years.

Now, I am well aware that most women who go all crazy, do so out of their own personal insecurities. The problem is, they refuse to realize, the issue doesn’t lie with the men in their lives (IE: if your guy is cheating on you, it’s not because you’re not good enough, or the other woman is prettier, it’s because you’re letting him cheat on you by staying with him. Get some self respect and get the fuck out of there – my lesson learned). Nor does it lie with all the other women on the planet.  The problem with these women is they refuse to deal with their insecurities and instead choose to lay the blame for their issues on external influences and people, rather than fix themselves.

Seriously? Is any guy REALLY worth losing your shit over? How little self respect and pride can one human being have? And  how far gone do you have to be to let your personal insecurities lead to crazy psychotic jealousy driven rampages that more often result in damage done not to the person you’re raging against, but rather, to yourself.

Perfect skin, perfect hair, perfumed hearts everywhere

Tell myself that inside she’s ugly

Maybe I’m just jealous, I can’t help but hate her

Secretly, I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

“Girl Next Door” – Saving Jane

I never fully understood jealousy.  I can envy another woman’s figure, hair, job (hey, who wouldn’t want to look like Angelina Jolie? Right?). But to be outright so damned jealous as to try to sabotage any aspect of that woman’s life? It makes no sense to me.  And really how does trying to hurt a woman you’re jealous of benefit you?  Has truly psychotic behavior ever really garnered any kind of positive results?

Recently, a friend of mine was involved with a woman – let’s call her ‘Betty’ – who clearly was insecure and immature, and, well, psychotic. I’m not sure how he remained blind to Betty’s psychosis for as long as he had, but I guess after she took his phone, sent a couple of vile texts to a female friend of his – we’ll call her ‘Veronica’ – who she felt ridiculously threatened by (even though she’d been told, apparently, that a) Veronica is married, and b) she is one of his dearest friends); erased all of Veronica’s texts as well as a few texts from a few other female friends; and then deleted all of Veronica’s information from his phone – one could only hope he got the hint.

Because apparently that wasn’t going far enough, this Betty chick decided it would be perfectly fine to badmouth Veronica to the guy’s co workers – who she, Betty, had only met a few nights before, but who Veronica had known for years – blowing up their phones with ridiculous text messages in an effort to discredit Veronica in the eyes of these folks. I’m pretty sure psycho Betty didn’t expect the guys to show Veronica the texts. Nor, I’m sure, did she expect these guys to laugh at the ridiculousness of her depictions of Veronica’s character.  If nothing else, a good laugh was had at Betty’s expense, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t her intention.

Truth is, I’d pity Betty, if I were a nicer person. Which, I’m not. Sorry. If she were trying to impress, she actually achieved the opposite. The only person I really feel bad for is the guy she was so desperately trying to hold on to by doing all this crap.

I think I’m jealous of your girlfriend

Although she’s just a girl that is your friend

I think I’m jealous of your girlfriend

She shares a special part of you

“Girlfriend” – Alicia Keys

I understand that it’s difficult for a woman dating a guy who has female friends who they are close with to realize that not every woman he knows is sleeping with him. The thing is, guys DO have female friends. Yes, it’s true, men and women CAN be friends. 

One of my best friends in the world was dating a woman who was convinced that he and I had slept together.


It never happened.

Her paranoid jealousy had gotten so bad, we rarely got to see one another. On the rare occasion he’d manage to get away from her, he would contact me,  secretly,  just to be able to speak with me – more often than not, to bitch about her.

One day, I noticed his screen name pop up on AIM. I decided to IM him, just to say ‘hello.’ The response I received was strange, it wasn’t just the “I miss you” that got me. It was the “I miss your body” thing that had me ask “Who is this?” The girl confessed it was her. She admitted that she wanted to know the truth once and for all “Did you two sleep together?” So I confessed, I said “yes.” She said “I KNEW IT!” I said “yeah, we fell asleep on the couch in the basement while watching a movie with his mom.” 

The day they broke up for good ranks as one of the happiest days of my life. Not even kidding. And the woman he ended up marrying – One of my favorite people ever.  

Back off baby, get out of my face

Please just give me some space

Well you never did nothing but leave a bad taste

And I’d only stand in your way

“Back off Baby” – Todd Carey

 My point is: Psycho never wins.

Guys fear, loathe and detest the psycho. They WILL run from it screaming.

Now, I’m not the most secure woman in the world. However, aside from the time I lost my shit because of a cheating boyfriend, I have never gone nuts to keep a guy around. It’s not in me to do so, which may be the reason why I can’t pity the women who are prone to these types of actions. Maybe I’m too simplistic in my belief that if a guy really loves you, or really wants to be with you, you don’t need to go all “single white female” to get him to stay with you. And if you feel he’s not all yours, then why the hell would you want to keep him around anyway?

Why are so many women so prone to propping up the men in their lives, effectively belittling themselves, so much so, that they are willing to make complete fools of themselves to keep these guys around? I don’t care who the guy is, or what his position in life is. I feel that if you’ve got to expend THAT much energy to keep a guy’s attention, or if you’re so insecure that you feel you need to screw with another person’s life in an attempt to either make your life seem better, or to some how get rid of what you perceive to be an obstacle to your relationship, a) the guy isn’t right for you, and b) you need to figure out your own shit before you attempt at being in a relationship.

So ladies – especially those of you desperately trying to hold on to a guy by any means (un)necessary – LET IT GO. If you find yourself plotting ways to get rid of any threat you perceive (whether it be real or the figment of your deranged mind), get counseling. Seriously. Not only do you make it really difficult for those of us who have some semblance of pride and self respect to defend the notion that not ALL ‘bitches be crazy,’ you also do yourself way more harm than good.

So please, for the love of all things holy, get a grip. You’re making us all look bad. And I’m sure I’m speaking on behalf of those of us who live in the real world and not on the set of “Days of our Lives” when I say we’re all tired of having to clean up the messes you all leave behind.