A side of you well hid
When it’s all said and done
It’s real and it’s been fun
But was it all REAL fun?

You’re just a fuck
I can’t explain it ’cause I think you suck
I’m taking pride
In telling you to fuck off and die

“F.O.D” – Green Day

I’m generally a very optimistic person. I tend to see the best in people. Sometimes, my rose-colored view is misguided, and I have to deal with the disappointment. It’s not unusual. And for the most part, I’ve always been able to handle my disappointment well. I’d get angry and then I’d get over it. Eventually, I’d simply forget the person existed, or pretend they didn’t and ultimately, I’d become indifferent to them or any history we might have had together. I’ve even managed to forgive folks who have hurt me to the point where most folks would think I was foolish to forgive, but the truth is, I’m not big on holding a grudge. I am, however, pretty big on the whole idea of ‘moving on’ and ‘letting go.’ I don’t like negative energy, and so I try to dispel it as quickly as I can so I can enjoy my life.

I’m also not the type of person to ever use the word “hate,” or, at least not direct it at another human being. I learned early how harmful the word can be. As a child, during some temper-tantrum driven rantings, I would use the word “hate.” Eventually, tired of punishing me (or sending me to my room after a sound, and well deserved, spanking), my mother and step-father finally sat me down and tried to explain to me the true meaning of “hate.” They gave examples from history like the Holocaust, explaining that real hate is vile, destructive and horribly dark, and that while it may be an easier word to throw around in anger than, say, ‘dislike,’ any alternative would be better than that four letter word. They explained that if I ever actually understood what it meant to genuinely feel ‘hate,’ I’d never use it carelessly again when referring to another human being. And that truly anyone who would warrant that much negative emotion isn’t worth the stain on the soul that feeling it would place there.

They were right.

I couldn’t possibly ever have known. And I’m sure that I never really did know what the word actually meant, having, not truly ever felt it before.

That is until now.

I knew, that somewhere deep inside me, there was a very dark place. I guess my optimistic view on life, and my general positive attitude never fully allowed me to delve that deep. Or maybe I was afraid of what lurked down there. I mean really, I know we’re all capable of hate, just as much as we are capable of love. And there have been times, lashing out in anger, that I THOUGHT I felt it. But, my temper, which is slow to rise, quick to burst and then even quicker to calm, usually made me realize that ‘hate’ wasn’t at all what I was feeling; disgust, dislike, loathing – maybe – but never hate.

Hate is dark. Hate is violent. Hate sits in your gut, screaming to get out. Hate is indescribable. Hate makes you want to punch something, preferably the person at which the feeling is directed. Hate keeps you up at night. Hate is pretty much the most negative thing I have ever felt. And I doubly hate the person that made me feel this way for introducing me to the emotion.

They say in order to truly hate someone, you must’ve really loved them. And I did – silly me. I can’t say I wasn’t warned. I mean when someone literally tells you that you are misguided for seeing the good in them, that they are indeed the devil, and capable of being horrific to the people who love them most, you should probably believe them. My mistake was believing the good, and not fully realizing the bad – I will NEVER make that mistake again.

I realize that someone who would callously, carelessly and cruelly throw away the people in his life who genuinely loved him and cared for him, and had for so long, for what appears to be a more shallow, less meaningful experience, probably has issues that stem from his own self-loathing. And I guess I should pity the poor, pathetic fool for not seeing himself through the eyes of those who love him. But I don’t. I can’t. I’m too hurt and angry to feel anything other than hatred for the way he mistreated the people he pretended to care about. Seriously, how dumb could I have been as to trust someone who throws out the word ‘love’ within minutes of meeting someone?

And it’s funny, because I’d been warned by so many people. But I thought “oh you just don’t know this person like I do-really, he’s got a good heart. He’s a good friend.”

Turns out, they were right. I was wrong.

I truly regret ever having met this person and honestly wish I never would see him or hear of him again. And while I freely take my own share of the blame for being stupid enough to believe the show he put on – making us all believe he was someone very different than the person he turned out to be – I hate him more.

Truly, it shocks me he isn’t an actor by trade. He’d have won many awards for the show of being a human being he put on.

If there is any real humor in hatred, it’s the irrationality of it all. Hatred IS irrational. I’m sure that the person at whom all this anger and distain is directed at couldn’t care less that I feel this way. And I’m even more aware of the fact that the only person that’s hurting in this situation is me – Which only serves to further fuel my anger.  

I know, that time and distance will lessen the anger and hurt I feel. But I also know, that no matter what happens in the future, I will never be the same person I was, having felt this level of pain and this undeniable hatred. Something inside me has shifted, and it’s sad. I managed so long in life to not have felt this horrible thing I feel right now. But there’s no going back now. I’ve felt it. It feels like shit.

The only saving grace in this entire experience is that, while I know one day I’ll get past all of this, Karma is a bitch.

I told him, in what essentially amounts to a ‘fuck off’ E-Mail, I wished him all the best. I lied. I don’t. I wish him exactly what he deserves – Nothing more, nothing less.  While I sit here stewing in an irrational anger that will soon pass, this person has lost way more than I ever will. And if he continues to treat people who care for him as though they are irrelevant and inconsequential, well, then he will indeed get everything he deserves – which considering recent events, is nothing remotely resembling anything good.

(To anyone who IS reading this, trust me, if you have to ask, it’s not you.)

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